Hackers! What a movie. It’s been like 45 years since I last watched it but I still remember just enough to rewrite the script incorrectly from memory.
SCENE 1: The Big Party
INT. BIG PARTY — NIGHT
THE GUY FROM SLC PUNK AND SCOOBY-DOO WHO HAD A GOOD RUN IN THE NINETIES is at a RAVE with ANGELINA JOLIE and their cool hacker crew, CRASH OVERRIDE, MATRIX EFFECT, and DAVID BSOD.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
What a big party
CRASH OVERRIDE
No way man, no way, I’ve seen way bigger. This is medium.
DAVID BSOD
I agree with both of you
ANGELINA JOLIE
Did you hear about the new hack?
The rave intensifies. WEIRD AL plays “All About the Pentiums” on stage.
SCENE 2: The Big Arrest
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE — NIGHT
DAVID BSOD is hacking at night with MACINTOSH QUADRA. He wants to be as cool as GUY FROM SLC PUNK and sometimes he even thinks he is but sometimes he doesn’t know.
DAVID BSOD (VOICEOVER)
I’m in THE BOAT GUY’s mainframe. Let’s rock and roll.
DAVID BSOD presses THE SPACE BAR. On the computer screen of his MACINTOSH QUADRA, a box appears.
MACINTOSH QUADRA
Uploading script. Virus! Virus! Downloading mainframe.
Suddenly the door bursts open! THE FEDS have guns and handcuffs.
THE FEDS #1
You’re under arrest for computer hacking!
THE FEDS #2
Say good bye to MACINTOSH QUADRA!
THE FEDS arrest DAVID BSOD and carry him from his room. He freaks out.
DAVID BSOD
Nooo! MACINTOSH QUADRA! MACINTOSH QUADRA! You can’t do this to me! I want to be a cool hacker!
SCENE 3: Finding out about the stuff
EXT. THE CITY AT A LAN PARTY — NIGHT
The rest of the hacker crew is at a LAN party with drinks when MATRIX EFFECT arrives
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Oh man, this is crazy, it’s all over Usenet! Everyone is freaking out!
MATRIX EFFECT
What? I just got here. I haven’t logged on for three hours and am jonesing for downloads. My modem is broken!
CRASH OVERRIDE
THE FEDS arrested DAVID BSOD! They got him on federal hacking charges! But the whole Usenet says that DAVID downloaded a mainframe with secret info from THE BOAT GUY!
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
No way! DAVID BSOD is just a script kiddie! He can’t hack!
ANGELINA JOLIE
You need to check it; you used to be just like DAVID. Remember your first EXE? I think this is real. The secret info from THE BOAT GUY’s mainframe is all about the big hack!
MATRIX EFFECT
From talking at the rave? That hack?
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
I remember that hack! It was huge! This could be real! Guys and ANGELINA JOLIE, we all need to take down THE BOAT GUY’s big hack!
CRASH OVERRIDE
Here’s how it goes down. ANGELINA JOLIE, you steal back DAVID BSOD’s MACINTOSH QUADRA because the dumb feds left it behind, I’ll do some hacking with GUY FROM SLC PUNK, and MATRIX EFFECT you get a new computer because your modem is broken.
MATRIX EFFECT
I’m on it, I’ll steal it with hacking
SCENE 4: THE BOAT GUY has a plan
INT. OFFICE IN A SKYSCRAPER — NIGHT.
THE BOAT GUY is in a big computer office with PENN AND TELLER.
THE BOAT GUY
I have a big plan to take down the world economy and enrich myself; I think it somehow involves a boat.
PENN AND TELLER #1
We’ll guard the mainframe
THE BOAT GUY
You do that and I’ll catch my flight
SCENE 5: Stealings
INT. DAVID BSOD’S HOUSE — NIGHT
MR. AND MRS. BSOD are reading a newspaper printed on actual paper. MR. BSOD is smoking a pipe when THE DOORBELL rings.
MRS. BSOD
You stay there Henry, I’ll get it
MRS. BSOD opens the door. ANGELINA JOLIE is standing there dressed in an all-leather DOMINO’S PIZZA outfit. Behind her is a Kawasawki Ninja with ground-effect lighting. It is parked next to a LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH and a 1982 CHEVY MALIBU with NICE RUST PATINA.
ANGELINA JOLIE
I’m here to deliver that pizza you ordered; I accept payment in MACINTOSH QUADRAS.
MR. BSOD
I didn’t order any pizza! Hackers use it to steal who you are!
MRS. BSOD
DAVID must have ordered it for some late-night hacking. You can take it to his room.
ANGELINA JOLIE
Sounds great!
ANGELINA JOLIE enters DAVID BSOD’s bedroom. She puts down the pizza and picks up the MACINTOSH QUADRA.
ANGELINA JOLIE
[speaking to herself but also directly to camera]
Even if you are not confident in who you are, I am, and I believe in you. One day the people you admire will believe in you too.
ANGELINA JOLIE leaves the bedroom and passes through the living room. She acknowledges MR. and MRS. BSOD.
ANGELINA JOLIE
I’ll shoot you an email.
She shuts the door and leaves. [Sound: A Kawasaki Ninja revs its engine and ramps off a Lamborghini Countach.] MR. BSOD has an epiphany.
MR. BSOD
“Shoot you an email”? That’s no pizza delivery person … she was … she was … a HACKER!
CLOSE-UP: Dialing federal 911
SCENE 6: Stealings 2
INT. BEST BUY — NIGHT.
THE MATRIX EFFECT hacks a lock to steal a computer on a pay phone.
THE MATRIX EFFECT
One last thing!
THE MATRIX EFFECT steals a can of camouflage-colored Krylon and sprays down the stolen laptop with a cool camo paint job.
SCENE 7: The crazy part
INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT.
The whole HACKER CREW is back at their base having a hacker party. ANGELINA JOLIE drives in on her Kawasaki Ninja carrying a MACINTOSH QUADRA in her messenger bag.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Let’s see if this does anything; DAVID BSOD is just a script kiddie but I’m open to learning more.
CRASH OVERRIDE
Yeah, me too, THE BOAT GUY’s plan could be serious.
THE MATRIX EFFECT
[dressed in ghillie suit holding his camouflaged computer]
The perfect hack.
ANGELINA JOLIE boots up MACINTOSH QUADRA and they fly through the UNIX FILESYSTEM on MACINTOSH QUADRA.
CRASH OVERRIDE
The mainframe filesystem! It’s true! THE BOAT GUY has a plan to enrich himself while crashing the world economy!
ANGELINE JOLIE
I told you DAVID BSOD was legit. [Speaking directly to camera] I believe in you.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Now let’s hack.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK starts the hack by blowing a whistle into ZACK MORRIS’s cell phone. The hack is too intense.
INT. COMPUTER OFFICE IN THE BIG SKYSCRAPER — NIGHT
PENN AND TELLER #1
Everything is normal and there is no cause for alarm
The phone rings. PENN AND TELLER #2 picks it up.
PENN AND TELLER #2
Hello BOAT GUY … what? … what? oh no!
PENN AND TELLER #1
What? What?
PENN AND TELLER #2
We’re being hacked!
PENN AND TELLER #1
Deploy the firewall and unhack the BIOS!
PENN AND TELLER #1 angrily throws a copy of Reason magazine across the computer office.
INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT
EVERYONE is hacking
ANGELINA JOLIE
THE BOAT GUY’s sysadmins are on to us! Hack harder!
CRASH OVERRIDE
Bad news guys! DAVID BSOD’s parents called the feds on our pizza delivery scheme! The Government Computer Crimes division is on to us!
In the background a TV blares. The head of Government Computer Crimes Division is talking.
HEAD OF GOVERNMENT COMPUTER CRIMES DIVISION (on TV)
We will stop all the hackers! The hackers are so bad!
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
This guy doesn’t understand us at all!
ANGELINA JOLIE
[whispering directly into the camera]
I understand you
THE MATRIX EFFECT
Incoming!
A HARD HACK hits the group. They hack back.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
I’ll deploy a virus! CRASH OVERRIDE, you let THE FEDS know that THE BOAT GUY is up to no good!
CRASH OVERRIDE
I’ll send an email in Visual Basic!
THE MATRIX EFFECT
[Flails arms slowly in his namesake move but because he’s wearing a big ghillie suit it just looks like he’s wiggling]
INT. THE BOAT GUY SKYSCRAPER’S COMPUTER OFFICE — NIGHT
A big COMPUTER SCREEN has COOKIE MONSTER on it.
PENN AND TELLER #2
What do I do?
PENN AND TELLER #1
Type “cookie” are you stupid never mind of course you are
PENN AND TELLER #2 secretly contemplates SOLO CAREER
INT. THE FEDS OFFICE — NIGHT
THE FEDS are on their UNIX terminals.
THE FEDS #1
I just got an email!
THE FEDS #2 leans over behind THE FEDS #1 to read the incoming email.
THE FEDS #2
This is serious! THE BOAT GUY has a plan to enrich himself while destroying the world economy!
THE FEDS #1
Looks like he’s on a flight. Can we ever catch him in midair?
EXT. GIANT BOAT — DAYTIME BECAUSE IT’S ANOTHER TIME ZONE
MUSIC CUE: Ominous music about the the world economy
INT. GIANT BOAT — STILL DAYTIME ON THE SAME BOAT IN THE SAME OTHER TIME ZONE
A mechanical part does something connected to a computer
INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE BACK IN THE FIRST TIME ZONE
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
THE FEDS know THE BOAT GUY’s plan now!
CRASH OVERRIDE
One last step.
ANGELINA JOLIE presses THE SPACE BAR on GUY FROM SLC PUNK’S computer
EXT. THE BIG BOAT — DAYTIME FOR AFOREMENTIONED TIME ZONE REASON
SOUND EFFECT: Mechanical whir shutting down and slowing to a halt
INT. BIG BOAT — DAYTIME SAME THING
SOUND EFFECT: Like something got unplugged. THING THAT IS HAPPENING: The mechanical part connected to the computer turns off. Also a blinking light also turns off. There is a Garfield doll with suction-cup feet in the room.
INT. AIRPLANE — NIGHT
The PILOT and COOKIE MONSTER approach BOAT GUY in his luxurious first-class seat
PILOT
Sir, can you come with us please?
COOKIE MONSTER whips out a pair of handcuffs.
THE BOAT GUY
Noooooooooo
SCENE 8: The ending before the ending
EXT. FEDERAL COMPUTER PRISON — NIGHT
DAVID BSOD is released from prison. ANGELINA JOLIE picks him up on her Kawasaki Ninja. She throws MACINTOSH QUADRA into his open arms.
ANGELINA JOLIE
I always believed in you
SCENE 9: The real ending
EXT. THE CITY IN A POOL — NIGHT BUT YOU THINK MAYBE IT COULD BE THE MORNING IN A COUPLE HOURS
ANGELINA JOLIE and GUY FROM SLC PUNK are in the pool hacking.
ANGELINA JOLIE
I think this could be love.
GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Could it be?
Behind them, two giant skyscrapers light up all of a sudden. The lights in the windows spell out the answer to the question.
TWO GIANT SKYSCRAPERS
Yes it is
Fireworks shoot off while CRASH OVERRIDE and THE MATRIX EFFECT wave hello from the top of the skyscraper. THE GUY FROM SLC PUNK and ANGELINA JOLIE share a passionate kiss.
Big computer text on screen
THE END
But then a blinking cursor backspaces over the text.
[ROLL CREDITS]
BONUS SCENE 10: The ending from Poltergeist
EXT. HOLIDAY INN — NIGHT
The whole HACKER CREW walks into a room at a Holiday Inn. The door shuts. The door opens and GUY FROM SLC PUNK pushes the TV out of the room and looks around. He walks back into the Holiday Inn.
END.
Credits for photos used in digital collages:
Electronic Rave (CC-BY-2.0): “Matthew Lillard visits VFS,” Vancouver Film School, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1,2
Busted: Public domain photos 1,2,3,4
LAN Party: Public domain photos: 1, 2, 3, 4
Boat hack: 1, 2, 3, 4
Pizza Delivery: Public domain photos 1, 2, 3
Gibson hacked: Public domain photos 1, 2, 3, 4
Too Much Hack: My own photo of a 1978 Dome Zero. Public domain photos: 1, 2.
Penn and Teller Oh NO (CC-BY-2.0): “Penn and Teller at TAM6” by Napoleon_70, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1, 2, 3
The Real Ending (CC-BY-2.0): “Matthew Lillard visits VFS,” Vancouver Film School, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1,2,3,4,5,