Concentration required
I don’t know about you, but I am fed up with gravity. Curse these earthly shackles!
But I have devised a new gravity avoidance method (pictured here). It allows you to ascend toes-first into the sky. The method requires intense concentration. I think that is why it has not worked out so well for me. I have a difficult time dealing with distraction.
I almost got the method to work one time, but then I heard a radio commercial for a car dealership. Lesson learned: Turn off the radio before attempting an inverted levitation.
Another thing that can affect your success is whether you have had too much to eat. Please fast for at least 25 minutes before attempting the method.
I guess the last thing I need to say is that you will need to secure an FAA permit for some real high-altitude shit. Otherwise, please restrict yourself to a flight ceiling of 3,000 feet.
Also, if you figure out how to really make it work, please let me know.
Open It Up
Industry secret
Message on postcard:
Shannon and Ann — It was good to hear from you! Sorry I can’t make it to your summer party this year. The dogs are good and I’m working as a hiking guide here at Grand Canyon. You might be wondering, then, why I’m sending you a postcard of Hells Canyon. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, when Grand Canyon is full, we’ll substitute in another canyon. Hells Canyon is a popular replacement, but we’ll also use Cataract Canyon, Black Canyon of the Gunnison, Canyon de Chelly, Waimea Canyon, and the Columbia River Gorge. Every now and then we’ll do a fjord or a crevasse, but they’re a little tricky. Visitors almost never notice, though.
Radically honest Facebook updates
Message on postcard:
Hey man — It feels good to finally get this off my chest. It’s been so awkward dodging all the questions. “Why do you sleep on the floor?” “How come there’s fur everywhere?” “Is that a bone you’re chewing on?” Well, I’m a dog. There, I finally said it. God, that feels better.
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