satire Archives - Fully Psyched

The script for Hackers, as rewritten from memory

January 21, 2019 by campbell Leave a Comment

Hackers! What a movie. It’s been like 45 years since I last watched it but I still remember just enough to rewrite the script incorrectly from memory.

SCENE 1: The Big Party

The guy from SLC Punk and Scooby Doo flashes the peace sign at an electronic rave

INT. BIG PARTY — NIGHT

THE GUY FROM SLC PUNK AND SCOOBY-DOO WHO HAD A GOOD RUN IN THE NINETIES is at a RAVE with ANGELINA JOLIE and their cool hacker crew, CRASH OVERRIDE, MATRIX EFFECT, and DAVID BSOD.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
What a big party

CRASH OVERRIDE
No way man, no way, I’ve seen way bigger. This is medium.

DAVID BSOD
I agree with both of you

ANGELINA JOLIE
Did you hear about the new hack?

The rave intensifies. WEIRD AL plays “All About the Pentiums” on stage.

SCENE 2: The Big Arrest

Law enforcement officers and glowing jellyfish and a glowing computer and text that says

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE — NIGHT

DAVID BSOD is hacking at night with MACINTOSH QUADRA. He wants to be as cool as GUY FROM SLC PUNK and sometimes he even thinks he is but sometimes he doesn’t know.

DAVID BSOD (VOICEOVER)
I’m in THE BOAT GUY’s mainframe. Let’s rock and roll.

DAVID BSOD presses THE SPACE BAR. On the computer screen of his MACINTOSH QUADRA, a box appears.

MACINTOSH QUADRA
Uploading script. Virus! Virus! Downloading mainframe.

Suddenly the door bursts open! THE FEDS have guns and handcuffs.

THE FEDS #1
You’re under arrest for computer hacking!

THE FEDS #2
Say good bye to MACINTOSH QUADRA!

THE FEDS arrest DAVID BSOD and carry him from his room. He freaks out.

DAVID BSOD
Nooo! MACINTOSH QUADRA! MACINTOSH QUADRA! You can’t do this to me! I want to be a cool hacker!

SCENE 3: Finding out about the stuff

A digital photo collage with lot of bright pastel colors, a motorcyle, a neon sign, a thoughtful hacker, and text that says LAN PARTY

EXT. THE CITY AT A LAN PARTY — NIGHT

The rest of the hacker crew is at a LAN party with drinks when MATRIX EFFECT arrives

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Oh man, this is crazy, it’s all over Usenet! Everyone is freaking out!

MATRIX EFFECT
What? I just got here. I haven’t logged on for three hours and am jonesing for downloads. My modem is broken!

CRASH OVERRIDE
THE FEDS arrested DAVID BSOD! They got him on federal hacking charges! But the whole Usenet says that DAVID downloaded a mainframe with secret info from THE BOAT GUY!

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
No way! DAVID BSOD is just a script kiddie! He can’t hack!

ANGELINA JOLIE
You need to check it; you used to be just like DAVID. Remember your first EXE? I think this is real. The secret info from THE BOAT GUY’s mainframe is all about the big hack!

MATRIX EFFECT
From talking at the rave? That hack?

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
I remember that hack! It was huge! This could be real! Guys and ANGELINA JOLIE, we all need to take down THE BOAT GUY’s big hack!

CRASH OVERRIDE
Here’s how it goes down. ANGELINA JOLIE, you steal back DAVID BSOD’s MACINTOSH QUADRA because the dumb feds left it behind, I’ll do some hacking with GUY FROM SLC PUNK, and MATRIX EFFECT you get a new computer because your modem is broken.

MATRIX EFFECT
I’m on it, I’ll steal it with hacking

SCENE 4: THE BOAT GUY has a plan

An old man with a monocle types on his laptop (which has a boat on it) in front of bright colors and a city skyline and the text

INT. OFFICE IN A SKYSCRAPER — NIGHT.

THE BOAT GUY is in a big computer office with PENN AND TELLER.

THE BOAT GUY
I have a big plan to take down the world economy and enrich myself; I think it somehow involves a boat.

PENN AND TELLER #1
We’ll guard the mainframe

THE BOAT GUY
You do that and I’ll catch my flight

SCENE 5: Stealings

A glowing green motorcyclist performs a flying superman seat grab on his glowing green motorcycle, which emits blue and red smoke in front of a background of computer code. Text says

INT. DAVID BSOD’S HOUSE — NIGHT

MR. AND MRS. BSOD are reading a newspaper printed on actual paper. MR. BSOD is smoking a pipe when THE DOORBELL rings.

MRS. BSOD
You stay there Henry, I’ll get it

MRS. BSOD opens the door. ANGELINA JOLIE is standing there dressed in an all-leather DOMINO’S PIZZA outfit. Behind her is a Kawasawki Ninja with ground-effect lighting. It is parked next to a LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH and a 1982 CHEVY MALIBU with NICE RUST PATINA.

ANGELINA JOLIE
I’m here to deliver that pizza you ordered; I accept payment in MACINTOSH QUADRAS.

MR. BSOD
I didn’t order any pizza! Hackers use it to steal who you are!

MRS. BSOD
DAVID must have ordered it for some late-night hacking. You can take it to his room.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Sounds great!

ANGELINA JOLIE enters DAVID BSOD’s bedroom. She puts down the pizza and picks up the MACINTOSH QUADRA.

ANGELINA JOLIE
[speaking to herself but also directly to camera]
Even if you are not confident in who you are, I am, and I believe in you. One day the people you admire will believe in you too.

ANGELINA JOLIE leaves the bedroom and passes through the living room. She acknowledges MR. and MRS. BSOD.

ANGELINA JOLIE
I’ll shoot you an email.

She shuts the door and leaves. [Sound: A Kawasaki Ninja revs its engine and ramps off a Lamborghini Countach.] MR. BSOD has an epiphany.

MR. BSOD
“Shoot you an email”? That’s no pizza delivery person … she was … she was … a HACKER!

CLOSE-UP: Dialing federal 911

SCENE 6: Stealings 2

INT. BEST BUY — NIGHT.

THE MATRIX EFFECT hacks a lock to steal a computer on a pay phone.

THE MATRIX EFFECT
One last thing!

THE MATRIX EFFECT steals a can of camouflage-colored Krylon and sprays down the stolen laptop with a cool camo paint job.

SCENE 7: The crazy part

A young woman hacks the Gibson

INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT.

The whole HACKER CREW is back at their base having a hacker party. ANGELINA JOLIE drives in on her Kawasaki Ninja carrying a MACINTOSH QUADRA in her messenger bag.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Let’s see if this does anything; DAVID BSOD is just a script kiddie but I’m open to learning more.

CRASH OVERRIDE
Yeah, me too, THE BOAT GUY’s plan could be serious.

THE MATRIX EFFECT
[dressed in ghillie suit holding his camouflaged computer]
The perfect hack.

ANGELINA JOLIE boots up MACINTOSH QUADRA and they fly through the UNIX FILESYSTEM on MACINTOSH QUADRA.

CRASH OVERRIDE
The mainframe filesystem! It’s true! THE BOAT GUY has a plan to enrich himself while crashing the world economy!

ANGELINE JOLIE
I told you DAVID BSOD was legit. [Speaking directly to camera] I believe in you.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Now let’s hack.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK starts the hack by blowing a whistle into ZACK MORRIS’s cell phone. The hack is too intense.

A digital photo collage of a man on a motorcycle in front of a futuristic background with sleek old sports cars and text that says "Error! Too much Hack!!"

INT. COMPUTER OFFICE IN THE BIG SKYSCRAPER — NIGHT

PENN AND TELLER #1
Everything is normal and there is no cause for alarm

The phone rings. PENN AND TELLER #2 picks it up.

PENN AND TELLER #2
Hello BOAT GUY … what? … what? oh no!

PENN AND TELLER #1
What? What?

PENN AND TELLER #2
We’re being hacked!

PENN AND TELLER #1
Deploy the firewall and unhack the BIOS!

PENN AND TELLER #1 angrily throws a copy of Reason magazine across the computer office.

INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT

EVERYONE is hacking

ANGELINA JOLIE
THE BOAT GUY’s sysadmins are on to us! Hack harder!

CRASH OVERRIDE
Bad news guys! DAVID BSOD’s parents called the feds on our pizza delivery scheme! The Government Computer Crimes division is on to us!

In the background a TV blares. The head of Government Computer Crimes Division is talking.

HEAD OF GOVERNMENT COMPUTER CRIMES DIVISION (on TV)
We will stop all the hackers! The hackers are so bad!

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
This guy doesn’t understand us at all!

ANGELINA JOLIE
[whispering directly into the camera]
I understand you

THE MATRIX EFFECT
Incoming!

A HARD HACK hits the group. They hack back.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
I’ll deploy a virus! CRASH OVERRIDE, you let THE FEDS know that THE BOAT GUY is up to no good!

CRASH OVERRIDE
I’ll send an email in Visual Basic!

THE MATRIX EFFECT
[Flails arms slowly in his namesake move but because he’s wearing a big ghillie suit it just looks like he’s wiggling]

a photo of illustration of Penn and Teller, each in the individual lens of a pair of sunglasses; Penn looks at Teller, the colors are bright

INT. THE BOAT GUY SKYSCRAPER’S COMPUTER OFFICE — NIGHT

A big COMPUTER SCREEN has COOKIE MONSTER on it.

PENN AND TELLER #2
What do I do?

PENN AND TELLER #1
Type “cookie” are you stupid never mind of course you are

PENN AND TELLER #2 secretly contemplates SOLO CAREER

INT. THE FEDS OFFICE — NIGHT

THE FEDS are on their UNIX terminals.

THE FEDS #1
I just got an email!

THE FEDS #2 leans over behind THE FEDS #1 to read the incoming email.

THE FEDS #2
This is serious! THE BOAT GUY has a plan to enrich himself while destroying the world economy!

THE FEDS #1
Looks like he’s on a flight. Can we ever catch him in midair?

EXT. GIANT BOAT — DAYTIME BECAUSE IT’S ANOTHER TIME ZONE

MUSIC CUE: Ominous music about the the world economy

INT. GIANT BOAT — STILL DAYTIME ON THE SAME BOAT IN THE SAME OTHER TIME ZONE

A mechanical part does something connected to a computer

INT. HACKER PARTY — NIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE BACK IN THE FIRST TIME ZONE

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
THE FEDS know THE BOAT GUY’s plan now!

CRASH OVERRIDE
One last step.

ANGELINA JOLIE presses THE SPACE BAR on GUY FROM SLC PUNK’S computer

EXT. THE BIG BOAT — DAYTIME FOR AFOREMENTIONED TIME ZONE REASON

SOUND EFFECT: Mechanical whir shutting down and slowing to a halt

INT. BIG BOAT — DAYTIME SAME THING

SOUND EFFECT: Like something got unplugged. THING THAT IS HAPPENING: The mechanical part connected to the computer turns off. Also a blinking light also turns off. There is a Garfield doll with suction-cup feet in the room.

INT. AIRPLANE — NIGHT

The PILOT and COOKIE MONSTER approach BOAT GUY in his luxurious first-class seat

PILOT
Sir, can you come with us please?

COOKIE MONSTER whips out a pair of handcuffs.

THE BOAT GUY
Noooooooooo

SCENE 8: The ending before the ending

EXT. FEDERAL COMPUTER PRISON — NIGHT

DAVID BSOD is released from prison. ANGELINA JOLIE picks him up on her Kawasaki Ninja. She throws MACINTOSH QUADRA into his open arms.

ANGELINA JOLIE
I always believed in you

SCENE 9: The real ending

Photo collage representing the final scene from the movie Hackers, with Angelina Jolie and the guy from SLC Punk and some dolphins and neon and New York City

EXT. THE CITY IN A POOL — NIGHT BUT YOU THINK MAYBE IT COULD BE THE MORNING IN A COUPLE HOURS

ANGELINA JOLIE and GUY FROM SLC PUNK are in the pool hacking.

ANGELINA JOLIE
I think this could be love.

GUY FROM SLC PUNK
Could it be?

Behind them, two giant skyscrapers light up all of a sudden. The lights in the windows spell out the answer to the question.

TWO GIANT SKYSCRAPERS
Yes it is

Fireworks shoot off while CRASH OVERRIDE and THE MATRIX EFFECT wave hello from the top of the skyscraper. THE GUY FROM SLC PUNK and ANGELINA JOLIE share a passionate kiss.

Big computer text on screen
THE END

But then a blinking cursor backspaces over the text.

[ROLL CREDITS]

BONUS SCENE 10: The ending from Poltergeist

A photo collage of a man in a

EXT. HOLIDAY INN — NIGHT

The whole HACKER CREW walks into a room at a Holiday Inn. The door shuts. The door opens and GUY FROM SLC PUNK pushes the TV out of the room and looks around. He walks back into the Holiday Inn.

END.

Credits for photos used in digital collages:

Electronic Rave (CC-BY-2.0): “Matthew Lillard visits VFS,” Vancouver Film School, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1,2
Busted: Public domain photos 1,2,3,4
LAN Party: Public domain photos: 1, 2, 3, 4
Boat hack: 1, 2, 3, 4
Pizza Delivery: Public domain photos 1, 2, 3
Gibson hacked: Public domain photos 1, 2, 3, 4
Too Much Hack: My own photo of a 1978 Dome Zero. Public domain photos: 1, 2.
Penn and Teller Oh NO (CC-BY-2.0): “Penn and Teller at TAM6” by Napoleon_70, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1, 2, 3
The Real Ending (CC-BY-2.0): “Matthew Lillard visits VFS,” Vancouver Film School, CC-BY-2.0. Public domain photos: 1,2,3,4,5,

Hot, Flat, and Whaley (by Thomas Friedman)

September 24, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

[Hey, this is rather dumb. But I like the title.]

Call me Thomas Friedman.

Every once in a while I have to go to sea. There are no reliable jobs on land, but that’s okay, because I’m an income entrepreneur, and it’s cool to be away from home for years at a time. I actually like saying goodbye to my family and everyone who cares about me. This is one of the great freedoms afforded by the gig economy.

I caught a cab from JFK to a whaling vessel. My driver was named Queequeg.

“What can you tell me about whaling?” I asked Queequeg.

“The world used to be predictable,” said Queequeg. “But now it isn’t. The Cold War order to which we grew accustomed is no more. Today the world is hot, flat, and whaley. Will America find its way in this strange new place? Sometimes I wonder. The next six months will be crucial.”

Later I got on a boat.

“Aye, ye land-lubbin’ scurvey dog,” said Captain Ahab. “So, ye wish to ship with us. What be ye qualifications?”

“My mustache gives me +9 seafaring,” I explained. “The world is changing and this will be my greatest gig yet.”

“Argh, ’tis true, ’tis true, the world is changing fierce,” agreed Ahab. “I remember when ‘the cloud’ was part of a squall, and 4G was just a berth. Now ye land-lubbers be making everything on earth different, even the sea! But even though things are different and scary, I have to agree that they are much better.”

We shipped out and disrupted a herd of whales. Everything turned out fine!

Discount Scooby-Doo: Chapter One

April 29, 2013 by campbell 2 Comments

The-Story-of-Discount-Scooby-Doo

Discount-Scooby-Doo

Lightning flashed in the distance, and rain lashed at the windows. The wind howled, and so did Discount Scooby-Doo. “Awooo! Awoooo!!!” he cried into the hideous night.

Lightning always bothered Discount Scooby. It reminded him of his birth. Discount Scooby was born in a storm not unlike this one, at a plastic factory near an experimental nuclear reactor. When lightning struck the reactor, it exploded. In the rubble of the once mighty factory, something stirred. A plastic figurine of Scooby-Doo had come to life, animated by the power of nucleons.

Something was wrong, though. This Scooby was mutated, hideous … “not of this sphere”, as the secret, post-accident investigation board would later report. The repressive military government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Lesser Nuclesia knew that Discount Scooby must be kept from the world. Yet they knew his very being held the promise of untold riches. And so they housed him in exile on an isolated atoll in the South Pacific.

Lightning flashed again, silhouetting a distant, Panamax-class freighter ship on the horizon. Then, seconds later, another bolt from the heavens, this one striking directly midship on the S.S. Babylon’s Desire, igniting a terrifying conflagration.

Discount Scooby-Doo ceased his howling as he watched the ship burn. The Babylon’s Desire had suffered a hull breach, and the vessel soon began to list as she took on water. Emergency flares arced across the sky as Scooby, with his eagle-like, radiation-enhanced vision, watched the crew abandon the far-off ship.

Help arrived near daybreak. Orange-and-white coastal defense choppers hovered above the burning hulk. Discount Scooby was transfixed.

And then, one by one, the precariously stacked shipping containers broke loose and fell into the sea. But the real break belonged to Discount Scooby. One of the containers was drifting right toward him, and it was labeled “jet skis”.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Subscription postcards: Dirt and oil, bus of intrigue, babies of the nothing

March 18, 2013 by campbell Leave a Comment

Postcard collage of woman, 1972 Monte Carlo, and arid mountainside. Text reads: "Dirt and oil: The revolutionary way to mix and match."

Message on postcard:
Andrew — Last weekend I took part in the annual Worst Day of the Year Ride. It’s a bike ride that takes place during the part of February that is statistically the worst part of winter. This year we lucked out and there wasn’t any rain. In fact, we double-lucked out. The pre- and post-ride staging area had donut holes.

Donut hole nirvana. — Donut hole nirvana at the Worst Day of the Year Ride.

Postcard collage: Greyhound bus in front of leaf-strewn clearing in the woods, with the text "Designed to intrigue."

Message on postcard:
Jeff — The foul weather is still plaguing Portland, but lately we’ve been getting a really nice day every couple of weeks. These are the days when cool old cars emerge from hibernation. All winter long these quasi-reliable beasts of old are hidden under garage roofs or rotting tarps … but when the sun comes out, so too does (for example) a blue 1978 Dodge van whose owner will talk to you at length about important van-related matters while you stand in the street taking photographs, blocking traffic.

A blue 1978 Dodge van. — Riding in style.

Postcard collage: Baby animals and an upside-down bat. Text says "Babies of the NOTHING".

Reverse side of postcard: "If anybody wants to have an itch, I'm ready to be a scratcher."

Message on postcard:
Steve — I found this in a newspaper sitting on a table at a coffee shop.

Family-Circus-cartoon-found-in-coffee-shop

Art by mail: Barney Frank, King of the Pacific Salmon

September 10, 2012 by campbell Leave a Comment

Message on postcard:
01. Hi Iona! You requested a postcard “the weirder the better”, so you get Congressman Barney Frank, King of Pacific Salmon. I recently had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Frank while camped near the beach on a windy and moonless night.

02. Around three in the morning I was awakened by an otherworldly noise that seemed to rise and fall with the waves. A sound like the cacophony of ten thousand voices warbling and gulping in unison. Through the trees I could see an eerie light glowing where I knew the beach to be. Of course I went to investigate.

03. The noise got louder and louder. As I approached the beach I worried that I’d made an unwise choice. In the wan light I could see beads of sweat on my forearms in spite of the chill wind. Soon I reached a bluff overlooking the shoreline, where I saw countless thousands of Pacific Salmon gathered ’round what must have been millions of glowing fish eggs. On the periphery of the gathering was an old boombox sucking down D-cell batteries and blasting Foghat.

04. That noise — the fish were trying to sing along to Foghat. And in the center of the gathering was Barney Frank, perched atop a wave-lapped throne before the majestic, glowing eggs. Lit from below by the bioluminescent gametes, Frank raised a bejeweled scepter and began to chant: “Slow ride… Take it easy…”

05. It was then that my footing gave way. One moment I was nodding along to the chant, the next I was tumbling down the sandy bluff. When I came to rest on the beach all I could hear was the wind and the surf and the boombox. The chanting had stopped, and all eyes were upon me, broadcasting a mix of piscatorial terror and anger.

06. But then a voice thundered out of the night: “Leave the surface-man be!” It was Barney Frank! I recognized his voice from C-SPAN, but something was different. I later learned that Barney Frank’s gill protectors, which he wears in public life but had removed for the ceremony, have a slight but noticeable effect on his vocal chords. “This intruder means no harm,” Frank continued, “and so we will teach him the secrets of our fishy ways.” The King of the Pacific Salmon waved his scepter, and a black mechanical whale breached the surface of the ocean. “Come, surface-man, and follow me Jonah-like to the deep.” And so I did, but secrets are secrets and I have to leave it there.

If Americans found no clear answers, they at least asked the right questions. — Detail from reverse side: Related text that I glued in.

A conglomeration of things