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Corn Palace ’99: A good mixed-use development

October 15, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

Collage with picture of Corn Palace with sign on building that says "Building a nation" and caption that says "1999 corn palace: Love a good mixed-use development?"
Reverse side of Corn Palace collage postcard

Text on postcard:

Hey Paul.

I bought this postcard in 2012. It says it was printed in Italy. I think that says a lot about how excited people were for the 1999 Corn Palace. “How many postcards for this year’s Corn Palace design, boss?” asked the junior corn marketing assistant.

“A multi-decade supply,” came the answer. “Enough to stock postcards of the ’99 Palace well into the 2010s. And you know what? … Print them in Italy.”

And then there was a Jurassic-Park twist ending where the corn came to life, and he was like, “No expense was spared.”

—Mike.

Close up on collage text that says "Building a Nation. Illuminated the Corn Palace leaves a lasting impression for all that see opportunities to live in one."

A new use for eggs is here

October 8, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

Cover of a homemade greeting card made out of packaging for a Mercedes oil filter. Glued on text says "A new use for eggs is here."

Inside of a homemade greeting card made out of oil filter packaging. Text says: Dear Reid, check out my cool new line of greeting cards. They're made out of car part packaging and random garbage. I write in a rich person font to make it expensive. Sincerely, Mike

Hot, Flat, and Whaley (by Thomas Friedman)

September 24, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

A colorized image of an old black-and-white illustration of Moby Dick eating a rowboat, except Moby Dick has a mustache

[Hey, this is rather dumb. But I like the title.]

Call me Thomas Friedman.

Every once in a while I have to go to sea. There are no reliable jobs on land, but that’s okay, because I’m an income entrepreneur, and it’s cool to be away from home for years at a time. I actually like saying goodbye to my family and everyone who cares about me. This is one of the great freedoms afforded by the gig economy.

I caught a cab from JFK to a whaling vessel. My driver was named Queequeg.

“What can you tell me about whaling?” I asked Queequeg.

“The world used to be predictable,” said Queequeg. “But now it isn’t. The Cold War order to which we grew accustomed is no more. Today the world is hot, flat, and whaley. Will America find its way in this strange new place? Sometimes I wonder. The next six months will be crucial.”

Later I got on a boat.

“Aye, ye land-lubbin’ scurvey dog,” said Captain Ahab. “So, ye wish to ship with us. What be ye qualifications?”

“My mustache gives me +9 seafaring,” I explained. “The world is changing and this will be my greatest gig yet.”

“Argh, ’tis true, ’tis true, the world is changing fierce,” agreed Ahab. “I remember when ‘the cloud’ was part of a squall, and 4G was just a berth. Now ye land-lubbers be making everything on earth different, even the sea! But even though things are different and scary, I have to agree that they are much better.”

We shipped out and disrupted a herd of whales. Everything turned out fine!

Miscellaneous postcards to Tom (2017-2018)

September 3, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

25 March 2017

Hey TW — No special reason for writing today. Just found a blank postcard kicking around and thought I’d send it to you. But first I need to write on it. No one likes receiving a blank postcard.

You’ll notice that this postcard alleges to have been “mailed by mule”; this is not true. I mailed it from the regular post office at the top of the canyon, where trucks pick up mail. Mules get mail from the bottom … and that’s where I got this postcard, but I hiked out without writing it. Now I’m writing it to you, so there you go.

I found it when I was clearing out old stuff, making space on shelves in anticipation of the new baby’s arrival. I guess all babies are new babies. No one’s ever like, “Damn, you just gave birth to the oldest baby ever,” and then the baby complains about how much less expensive milk was when he was a fetus in the 1920s. Anyway, I had serious stuff to tell you, but now I’m out of room.


Postcard with a headset-wearing man saying "Time to get that thing you always wanted" above the text "two cookie for cordless phones"

22 May 2017

Hey TW — I hope all is well with you. Due date is fast approaching. To help prepare fro the new baby’s arrival I have replaced the broken horn on the family wagon with an upgraded, louder model — safety first, and that’s why I opted for the Freeway Blaster. “¡La bocina extremadamente potente 133 dB!” Truer words were never written. I finally got that thing I always wanted.


Postcard with text and a drawing of a baby on it

05 July 2017

Hey TW — Enclosed here is a sticker that says “Toms.” Stick it on your stuff! That way everyone will know it’s yours. Add an apostrophe if you want to more clearly convey the intended possessive message. How are you? How is life? Are you doing a good job at fatherhood? Everything I’ve seen makes it look super hard, so if you have any tips please pass ’em on. Did you know that babies can’t drive? You have to take them everywhere they need to go!


Collage of woman with sunglasses removed to show truck headlight, emblem, and brush guard

15 November 2017

TW — We got to get you out here to canyon country. Or if you want, I’ll have some time in February during the off season and we can each just walk to a pre-arranged meeting point in central Nevada if that’s convenient for you. Central Nevada is about halfway between us, I figure.


Postcard collage of two fishermen in a canoe, one clutching an oar and the other holding a gun; both men appear startled as they stare toward the opposite shore; text says "The threat isn't over yet"

09 May 2018

There in the woods he lurks … waiting … waiting … waiting to steal your beer. A twig snaps. You hear the fearsome hominid flee … but the threat isn’t over yet. Bigfoot could still strike at any moment, like a bolt of hairy lightning, pilfering your cooler and leaving you thirsty.


Neutral Milk Letter: Written from an aeroplane over the sea

August 20, 2018 by campbell Leave a Comment

A letter written in the sky in December 2016, concerning truths, lies, seafaring, and the apocalypse.

Hey Matt,

Greetings from row 44 of Hawaiian Airlines Flight 35 from Phoenix to Honolulu. Would you be surprised to learn that I can see the Space Needle from here? You should be, because that is an unbelievable and untrue lie. The Space Needle is too far away to see. We saw the islands off the coast by Santa Barbara, but they’re behind us now. We’re out over the ocean.

Mandy keeps looking over to read this letter, so I guess I should talk about how beautiful and kind she is. Truly she looks radiant today and the goodness of her heart is unmatched by anyone in the world. Furthermore, her hair smells terrific.

I know that you and I have both thought a lot about what to do in the event of an apocalypse, and I know that we have both looked toward the cover art on sci-fi novels for wisdom and guidance. It’s helpful to see how other visionaries have imagined the future. “Lookin’ real good today, Wasteland,” we would say to no one in particular, surveying our domain from the roof of a quasi-functional Isuzu Trooper.

But what if there was another option? A viable alternative? I’m speaking, of course, of the post-apocalyptic future envisioned by the makers of Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner. What if you just lived in the ocean on a goddamn boat? “No land again today,” you could write in your journal. “But the weather is nice and I made friends with a fish.”

Think about it. Instead of standing on the roof of your truck, you could stand on your boat. “Master of all I see. Master of the ocean.” Suddenly, an old tire floats by. “I can use this to breed mosquitoes for food! My, how the tables have turned — it seems the hunter has become the hunted.” Technically the mosquitoes will not have become the hunted; they will have become a domesticated food animal, but such distinctions matter little when you’re living on wits and bugs in the middle of the ocean. “Why did I make friends with a fish? I should have eaten it instead.”

On the North Rim of Grand Canyon there’s a little outcrop of rock with a fence around it like the bow of a ship. I once told someone that James Cameron visited that very spot and shouted, “I’m the king of the world!” and that was the inspiration for the famous line in the movie Titanic. It wasn’t and I can’t bear the thought of sending visitors away with false information. So I quickly explained that I had lied.

Anyway: Come on out to Grand Canyon. I told Mandy you were considering a trip out here, and she was very excited to hear that — she really wants to meet you. Please feel free to lie to her about how courteous, polite, and mature I was in my mid-twenties. Good talking with you the other day. Wishing you continued success and lots of babies soon.

Sincerely,

Mike

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